"BAAAARNEY GOOGLE with the GOO-GOO-GOOLIGY EYES! BAAAARNEY GOOGLE with the GOO-GOO-GOOLIGY EYES!"

As Joe Bryant finished the last chorus of the old time classic in as authentic a "Down Maine" accent as could be, the crowd's spontaneous cheers and applause drowned out the final tinny notes of the player piano. Joe had managed to keep this crowd of jaded journalists enthralled, awed, amazed and, above all, entertained, for the last hour; not an easy task with people who travel for a living.

Before we go any further, it is necessary to point out -- because it is essential to the understanding of the rest of this story -- that there are two types of people in the world: those who are packrats, and those who are not. Joe Bryant and his wife Bea, rule as King and Queen in the kingdom of the former. The proud proprietors of Bryant's Stove Museum in Thorndike Maine, Joe and Bea oversee the largest antique stove showroom east of the Mississippi.

But Bryant's Museum is much more than the hundreds upon hundreds of gorgeous, meticulously restored antique wood burning stoves from the 1750s - 1850's. It is so much more that I actually procrastinated writing about it for well over a year - not because I didn't enjoy my visit, not by a long shot. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I could write about such a place and do it justice. I still don't.

You see, Bryant's Museum is a bit overwhelming. It is classic kitsch roadside Americana at its finest, managing to be simultaneously fascinating, fun and tacky. And yet so much about the museum is historically significant.

Of course there are the stoves, and lots of them! Visitors can perambulate through row after row of the authentic antique cooking devices in a building roughly the size of an airplane hangar. Joe and Bea have been lovingly restoring, exhibiting and selling these old relics for decades. Kitchen stoves, parlor stoves, Franklin stoves, miniature salesmen's stoves, children's toy stoves; they are all here and built to last a lifetime. Better make that two or three lifetimes. People order Bryant's stoves from all over the world. They've even graced the sets of several popular Hollywood movies over the years.

Stoves were just the beginning for Joe and Bea, however, as the couple are avid collectors. And I mean COLLECTORS. Both of them. Anyone reading this who is also plagued by this particular affliction knows what I'm talking about. It starts out innocently enough as it did with Bea who bought her first wood burning stove at an antique auction in the 1960s. She so loved the stove and Joe so enjoyed restoring it that they soon bought another, and then another, then a few more. Soon it was a full obsession.

But stoves weren't enough. Joe and Bea are multi-faceted; they have interest and talents in many areas. Not to mention that Joe is a man who can't sit still. He's constantly building, restoring and generally tinkering.

Joe's next passion was antique cars. The huge building housing the stove collection was just the beginning in the Bryant Empire. Joe's enormous collection of cars is garaged in a massive Quonset hut, alongside and in between his even more massive collection of mechanical music machines.

Player pianos, hurdy-gurdies, calliopes and all sorts of musical devices you never even knew existed keep the air filled with joyous sounds - although none joyous than the boisterous baritone of Joe accompanying his machines (remember Barney Google?).

Not to be outdone, Bea start accumulating toys and dolls, and like everything else the Bryant do, she did it in a big way. Then Joe started building toys for the toys - a miniature merry-go-round for the dolls to amuse themselves on, then a set of swings, and eventually it grew into the "Doll Circus -- a spinning, buzzing, whirling cacophony of sights and sounds that occupy yet another large room in the museum.

As huge as the place is, the Bryant's collections are even larger. Every square inch of the place is crammed to the gills with toys, dolls and mechanical contraptions in varying stages of restoration. To be sure, not all of it is quality -- the Bryants are accumulators as much as collectors - but that's part of what adds to the kitsch charm of the place. For instance, perched atop a priceless, ornately carved antique player piano, you're likely to encounter a dusty carnival prize teddy bear or a somewhat tattered doll them some child - long since grown into adulthood - has played with a bit too long.

But these seeming inconsistencies are anything but -- like most collectors of this magnitude, Joe and Bea are nothing if not passionate. They are true packrats, and unlike most of us who have to keep such tendencies under control - Joe and Bea have allowed their passions to have free reign. (I can hear the non-collectors out there recoiling in horror at such a thought.)

Allow yourself plenty of time when visiting Bryant's Museum. There is so much to see, do and listen to. But most of all, allow some time to spend with Joe and Bea. They are unique, a dying breed in the corporate tourism that has taken over America. Their passion and enthusiasm for their hobbies, and each other is delightful. As of July 30, 2000 they will have been married for 50 years. They have 8 children, 16 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren.

Personally, being a road trip and therefore roadside America junkie, I'm just a little bit happier knowing places like Bryant's still exist. This is a stop well worth going out of your way for. Perhaps with a little coaxing (not too much) Joe will sing a verse or two of Barney Google for you!

Getting There