This Is God With Your Next Assignment!
This was from heaven: "Take three friends to Petrossian Restaurant for dinner and order anything you want". It took only two phone calls to immediately line up three "assistant eaters" for this adventure. I invited my best friend (and chief recipe tester), my agent and her husband.

Located on the first floor of the stunning landmark Alwyn Court Apartments, a block south of Central Park, Petrossian and its boutique is decorated with beautiful marble, billowing silk curtains and authentic Art Deco bronzes that create a rich elegance without going over the top...although the banquettes upholstered in silver mink do bring it right up to the brink.

After we were snugly ensconced in our seats, Brian, our wonderful waiter (who hails from my favorite island chain, Hawaii), arrived with a silver tray of gorgeous ice-frosted flutes of Cristall vodka...pure silk! We placed ourselves in Brian's hands for the rest of the evening. What followed was another blend of deceivingly simple elegance...the food at Petrossian.

One, Singular Sensation...
There are a number of places in New York City that serve caviar. But, Petrossian is up there in a pantheon of "singular experience" restaurants. There is, for example, only one Rainbow Room, only one Oyster Bar at Grand Central, and only one Katz's Deli for that matter. Likewise, there is only one Petrossian Restaurant...and it has been in a league of its own for many, many years. It's ultra-chic, romantic and feels a little naughty-nice. After all, caviar is a controlled substance. And, you are about to consume some really expensive things.

Seduction
Brian, with a 92% straight face, explained to us (as the vodka was kicking in) that the sturgeon responsible for Petrossian caviar are "seduced" into nets placed along the Russian side of the Caspian Sea. Any other method would excite and scare the fish so much that the eggs within would not be any good. With that said we were presented with the legendary Petrossian sampler as an appetizer...consisting of the three classic sturgeon roes: sevruga, ossetra and beluga. We carefully dipped our gold plated "palates" (silver turns caviar into silly putty) into the little dishes and applied a few eggs to toast points made from white bread (crusts trimmed off) and began eating... bursting those magic little orbs one by one. And that's it! Bingo! Case closed! If I were Poseidon I'd have my main residence, and summerhouse too, at the bottom of the Caspian Sea.

More Manna
Brian then brought four more appetizers: eggplant terrine with goat cheese and balsamic vinegar; Portobello mushrooms with spinach and Roquefort cheese; and smoked river trout salad with pickled beets, capers and egg... all standouts. But, the show-stopper was what is called "Petrossian Teasers"...a plateful of about a dozen little gems such as smoked eel with pickled vegetables, smoked Caspian Sea sturgeon with cucumber and radish salad, smoked cod roe on potato palette, smoked salmon beggar's purses filled with salmon tartar, foie gras and green apple in pastry, and marinated herring in mustard. My friend the recipe tester almost became unhinged at this point and started extolling the virtues of strolling over to Petrossian any old time, sitting at the bar, swigging down some vodka and ordering a platter of teasers for lunch. Before he could run out the door and start passing out fliers, Brian arrived with our four entrees.

Dear God, I promise, after this dinner I will be good, and never eat too much again, and that I'll do more volunteer work, and that I will give more money to charity. I agree to attend services at my local Presbyterian Church every Sunday...and Monday too.

By this time Brian had a bunch of happy loons on his hands. After the vodka and a bottle of Chardonnay (Talbott, Monterey, 1995) with the appetizers, we were ready for anything. He could have fooled us with dog food and we would have lapped it up. But! Here came the secret weapon again...more wonderful food from the kitchen of Executive Chef P.G. Gustafsson. We were presented with plates of roasted duck breast with sunchoke confit, fruit and berry chutney with foie gras potato croquette; sautéed loin of Arctic venison with wild mushrooms, juniper berry sauce and Hasselback potatoes; and grilled sturgeon which had been marinated in Teriyaki sauce. My piece de resistance was a whole steamed lobster placed on a bed of butternut squash and mushroom risotto with New Zealand cockles in lobster broth. I felt like a barking seal over at the Central Park Zoo that had just been thrown the whopper of his life. This was all aided and abetted by a bottle of Burgundy (Chambolle- Musigny, Domaine Philippe Charlopin-Parizot, 1995).

The Ninth Circle
Brian should have just come out in a red devil's suit holding a pitchfork and whip...he had DESSERTS for us! He gave me a ridiculous parfait with everything in it. The tester got a creme brulée to die for (which he tried to hoard), my agent's husband received the let's-go-jump-in-the-fountain-at-the-Plaza vodka sorbets (see recipe)...but! My agent...one of the best businesspersons I know got the winner...a pear poached in ruby port. We mauled it. She barely got a bite. But, I'm pretty sure she got at least 10%.

Brian (a.k.a. Damien) came by one final time bearing snifters of port (Cockburn Tawny 10yr), homemade cookies, chocolates and frothy cups of cappuccino.

My "assistant eaters" and I started figuring out how we could take the night blimp to the Caspian Sea right then to help out in seducing more sturgeon into those gentle nets.

There was only one nagging question left in the mind of my agent's husband: "How do they get that Arctic venison?"

Chef Par Gunnar (P. G.) Gustafsson
The man behind all of this wonderful food was born in Sweden almost 40 years ago. As a child he used to watch a famous chef on television named Tore Wretman. Fascinated by what he saw, at the age of only four he told his mother "When I grow up that will be me!" And, guess what? Today he is one of the most well-regarded chefs in New York. Having worked at New York's Scandinavian food temple Aquavit as executive sous chef and then at its sister restaurant Snaps as executive chef, P. G. began applying his straightforward Scandanavian style to Petrossian in 1995 as executive chef. And it really works. To call his food simple would be a great disservice. But it is refreshing not to need a degree in architecture in order to dismantle an entree at Petrossian.

One morning a couple of weeks after our dinner at Petrossian, I had the good fortune to sit and talk for about an hour with P.G. in his office just off the restaurant's kitchen. From that kitchen he and his staff of 14 turn out about 60 lunches and 120 dinners each weekday and serve up to 200 brunches and dinners on Saturdays and Sundays (brunch is a bargain at $25 for three courses). His goal is to coax the best flavors from each of the ingredients featured. These ingredients do vary from season to season. But the caviar is always a constant. And, let's say someone in your party doesn't like caviar or fish...there are plenty of other choices to help solve that problem, such as filet mignon or rack of lamb. Spectacular vegetarian plates can also appear from the kitchen.

The kitchen staff prepares everything for the restaurant including all baked goods and pastries...even English muffins. The only things bought prepared on the outside are bagels for the brunches.

P.G.'s blue eyes twinkled when I asked him about the Arctic venison. He said the deer are farmed by Lapp herdsmen and truly are raised in the wild. The wonderful flavors of this lean meat are enhanced by his marinade of juniper berries and red wine. This was explained to me in perfect English. Then, his phone rang and he effortlessly switched into what I would imagine to be perfect Swedish. It turned out to be his wife. She wanted to know what he wanted for dinner that night.

Petrossian Restaurant
182 West 58th Street
New York, NY 10019
(212) 245-2214
Caviar presentations $23-$550 (and up)
Jacket and tie (and a nice big wallet) required

The Petrossian Delicacies Shop, located just inside the front door, sells the most exquisite food items known to mankind. Its hours are 10am - 10pm every day. And...they deliver! After all this is New York. Call (212) 245-2217.

Author's note: I promise my column will return to its true form next month. I will give you a tip on the best pizza place in New York; where 2-4 people can eat for under $20.

Please, trust me...because I'm Out to Lunch in New York...